Pity Party....Table of One...

Wednesday was not a good day. Not good at all. For some reason I was off on a tangent regarding my life in general. I was off kilter or something. Everything that's gone wrong lately or even from 25 years ago came spilling back into my head and holding it hostage. I was thinking about how I'd waited until the kids had grown and moved on for my life to begin. Or what I thought was a beginning when all along it already had. But I have felt like I wasn't carrying my load or working to my full potential. I was a stay at home mom with no skills. Only mothering skills and I worried constantly that I didn't have those. But I see now that I really did all along. People in the family would say, 'Donna, have you found a job yet?' And look at me with the "Church Lady expression "Could it be....SATAN?"

Well raising kids is a job that keeps me busy", I'd stammer out. "I keep pretty busy indeed."

"Yes but a job out side of the home." Apparently in their eyes other women were working AND raising children. Why was I such a deadbeat? Well three children under the age of 5 1/2 aren't raised by a deadbeat mom. But I sure felt like a failure.

But now there are parents to take care of and that's a handful. My hubby's dad who's in the nursing home and my mom who's become frail and sickly and needs to be driven to the city frequently to the better hospitals down there. And I also have a college paper due in a week and I feel blocked and fear I'll never get it written. Seems like since I turned 50 last year, a whole year ago, my body is breaking down and falling apart. My teeth are falling out, my eyes are going bad. And now we're looking at major changes, possibly.

So yes...I was a little distraught. Bitching to the heavens that I am not receiving any help from upstairs and did they abandon me in my time of need or what? Oh yes, that's right, I forgot that when I actually pray my prayers aren't answered. I was weepy and emotional and feeling extremely sorry for myself.

I'm just a sorry ass.

I always feel as if I haven't done enough, I'm not somebody and I need to be. I've gone down several paths that seem to drop off into a dead end. I was staring at my macaw, Rocky and thinking, 'He doesn't mind his life. He is happy with what he is. He spends his day playing with Rosie and with toys and doesn't long to be something different. He doesn't yearn to be outside where it's actually natural for him to be. He's comfortable in his own skin. So why can't I learn a lesson from him?

I went to lay down, usually that will take the dark mood away. But I laid there staring at the ceiling feeling mad and let down. Then I had a vision of being in a big restaurant waiting to be seated. I hear over the intercom, 'Pity Party of One...your table is ready." I had to laugh. At least somebody upstairs has a sense of humor.