Pity Party....Table of One...

Wednesday was not a good day. Not good at all. For some reason I was off on a tangent regarding my life in general. I was off kilter or something. Everything that's gone wrong lately or even from 25 years ago came spilling back into my head and holding it hostage. I was thinking about how I'd waited until the kids had grown and moved on for my life to begin. Or what I thought was a beginning when all along it already had. But I have felt like I wasn't carrying my load or working to my full potential. I was a stay at home mom with no skills. Only mothering skills and I worried constantly that I didn't have those. But I see now that I really did all along. People in the family would say, 'Donna, have you found a job yet?' And look at me with the "Church Lady expression "Could it be....SATAN?"

Well raising kids is a job that keeps me busy", I'd stammer out. "I keep pretty busy indeed."

"Yes but a job out side of the home." Apparently in their eyes other women were working AND raising children. Why was I such a deadbeat? Well three children under the age of 5 1/2 aren't raised by a deadbeat mom. But I sure felt like a failure.

But now there are parents to take care of and that's a handful. My hubby's dad who's in the nursing home and my mom who's become frail and sickly and needs to be driven to the city frequently to the better hospitals down there. And I also have a college paper due in a week and I feel blocked and fear I'll never get it written. Seems like since I turned 50 last year, a whole year ago, my body is breaking down and falling apart. My teeth are falling out, my eyes are going bad. And now we're looking at major changes, possibly.

So yes...I was a little distraught. Bitching to the heavens that I am not receiving any help from upstairs and did they abandon me in my time of need or what? Oh yes, that's right, I forgot that when I actually pray my prayers aren't answered. I was weepy and emotional and feeling extremely sorry for myself.

I'm just a sorry ass.

I always feel as if I haven't done enough, I'm not somebody and I need to be. I've gone down several paths that seem to drop off into a dead end. I was staring at my macaw, Rocky and thinking, 'He doesn't mind his life. He is happy with what he is. He spends his day playing with Rosie and with toys and doesn't long to be something different. He doesn't yearn to be outside where it's actually natural for him to be. He's comfortable in his own skin. So why can't I learn a lesson from him?

I went to lay down, usually that will take the dark mood away. But I laid there staring at the ceiling feeling mad and let down. Then I had a vision of being in a big restaurant waiting to be seated. I hear over the intercom, 'Pity Party of One...your table is ready." I had to laugh. At least somebody upstairs has a sense of humor.

Oh My...There's a Dog Under There!

The Foo-Foo Mutts, our Shih-Tzu's as Dwight calls them, went to see the groomer today and as I expected when they came back they were half again the size they were when they left. By the time she finished peeling the hair from their bods they have skinny little butts and stick legs. And for once you could tell they were actually dogs and not dust mops. But she dresses them up pretty cute to make up for their nakedness. Both have colorful spring bandannas and Maggie has matching bows for her ears, which Sandy hot glues to some of their hair and it works pretty good for several weeks. Their faces have a Schnauzer cut with the short ears and bushy beard around the mouth and nose. But that's the only place they have hair left. They were so bad, as I said before, but it's been too cold to have it done before now. And truth be told, it probably wasn't a good idea to do it this soon but I figured it was much better than in January when they first really, really, needed it during the sub zero temps we were having. Now they just curl up in tiny balls and lay as close to one of us for body heat to keep them warm.

Dwight picked them up and was telling me later they got into the passenger side and curled up around each other until they looked like one big blob of dog. Their brown eyes were big as prize shooting marbles and proceeded to just stare at him all the way home. I'm sure he snickered and pointed at them for awhile. They must have felt humiliated, sort of like when you dream you go to school without your clothes.

It must be quite an ordeal to become beautified at the doggie parlor because once home, after a bathroom break, cool drink of water and something to eat they crash somewhere and saw logs. They snore too.

Dwight says we all snore.

In stereo.

But I've got news for him...he snores pretty darn loud himself!

And I need to wrap this entry up because two naked dogs are begging and pleading for me to take them to bed so they can crawl under covers to get warm. Man what wussies!